IN HER HEAD... by Trish G

As promised we have a Featured Post!

Trish G. is a woman who has had many different life experiences and certainly a lot to share. She is a dynamic personality with thought provoking opinions, a willing heart to help others and an open mind. Trish's segments on this blog will be titled "In Her Head"... look out for other posts by Trish G in the future!   

Any comments and/or questions are always welcome within the comment section below.

Trish G.

The countdown to the New Year is here… With less than 30 days to go it has me thinking… What do I want to change and where do I want to go from here in my life?  What do I need to do differently to get a new outcome for 2012?  The New Year is a great time to re-evaluate what you are currently doing and start to make that positive change for YOUR future. 

Things from our past tend to keep us down or hold us back from new opportunities and in this issue we will be discussing how to start over after an abusive relationship ends.  In the past year I have been volunteering with an organization that works specifically with victims of violence (mainly domestic) and trying to help them through the initial ordeal. We also get deeper into it by helping them to move forward and recognize the signs of  domestic violence  before it gets physical, how to leave the situation and how to move forward with future relationships without the carrying the burden. 

During the past year I have met many phenomenal men and women in all walks of life who you wouldn’t even think would be in that type of situation at home.   Some I met had already left the situation and some were seeking advice on how to leave or how to survive staying in the relationship.  For those who were still involved, their reasons for staying were all very different.  Some stayed for their children, some feared for their lives and some just felt they had no where to go.    Here I will introduce one of the women I really connected with.

Marsha was a 25 year old female from the Peel Region with no children.  She had a full time job and had been living with her high school sweetheart Dwayne for 3 years.  After suddenly losing his job Dwayne got into a deep depression that was hard to snap out of.  No matter how supportive Marsha tried to be things were not changing.  He started to resent her and fight with her about any and everything he could find. One day the fighting went from yelling to slapping.  Then another time from slapping to physical restraint against her will to then finally escalated to a full on punch to the face that required stitches which was accompanied by a threat that if she told on him he would kill her.   After every event he became the perfect boyfriend again who would give her tearful apologies and promises of it never happening again.  But for two more years it did happen only getting worse each time.  When I met Marsha it was only my third shift with this organization and she was my first client for the day.   I was eager to assist and throw at her references of counselling and tons of pamphlets which we have at our disposal.  However, I asked her a question that she later told me no one had asked her in months.  I asked her “How are YOU doing?”   She took a deep breath and cried.  She had so many questions and these were questions she felt a pamphlet couldn’t answer.   She wanted to know where she would go?  How would she cope alone?  Why was she feeling guilty?  I told her the answers would come in time through a long journey, but told her that this was her first step in towards a new future and that this step was the most important!  We were able to set Marsha up with a regular counsellor to discuss her pain, feelings of guilt and to help her release the burden she was carrying.   They also gave her tips on what to do when she felt she was ready to start dating and how to separate the emotions and feelings of the past of what will come in the future once in a new relationship. 

To some of you reading this out there you will think “I will never be a Marsha” but think of it this way, Marsha never thought she would be a Marsha.  Abuse is a vicious cycle and it is hard to leave because you see the partner you love in a totally different light than when you first met them and fell in love with them.  The good memories are fighting with the bad experiences and you think to yourself that the good times will come back… and they do come back but the question is for how long?   No matter how many good times you have know the ones you love shouldn’t physically hurt you and bruises are not a part of life. 

Domestic violence is not just physical.  It is also emotional and many times the emotional abuse that someone receives gets overlooked because there are no physical signs, but it is just as damaging to the person receiving it.   Some signs that you are in an abusive relationship is if you feel afraid of your partner, avoid doing certain things to avoid angering your partner, or feeling that you deserve the mistreatment you are receiving.  If your partner humiliates you, blames you for their abusive behaviour, denies or limits you access to what is rightfully yours (eg. money, food, family, friends etc.), threatens to hurt the kids if you tell anyone, destroys your property or threatens to commit suicide there are safe places that you can go to and resources available for you to talk with that are discreet.  .  It is sad to know that we even need these types of agencies, but it is sadder to know how many people use them. 

Below is a short list some of the resources I have found helpful:

Victim Services of Peel (or whatever Region you reside in) is open for calls 24 hours a day 365 days a week with trained Crisis Counsellors available to take your calls.  This is a free service.   (905) 568-1068

Salvation Army Family Life Resource Centre is a Shelter in the Peel Region (905) 451-4115

Vita Manor is a Hostel for Expectant Mothers (905) 858-0329

Although the resources I have listed here are specific to the Peel Region each one could give you references to numbers that are local to your area.

 *For more information Trish G. can be reached at trishgriffith01@gmail.com and you can follow her on twitter at @trishgriffith01